Everyone grieves differently, especially for their child. There’s usually no time frame or checklist when it comes to accepting such a loss. However, for many, it may feel unfair that the natural order of life has been turned upside down and it can be hard to find meaning after they lost all of their hopes and dreams together with their child.
For these parents, the passing of their daughter was still a very sore subject almost a year later, to the point where they ignored their surviving twin on her birthday. But a few of her close friends came to visit her with balloons and cupcakes and support her on such a hard day, which she unfortunately got later scolded for.
Everyone grieves differently, especially for their child
Image credits: Polina Tankilevitch (not the actual photo)
After almost a year of their daughter’s passing, these parents found it difficult to celebrate surviving twin’s birthday
Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual photo)
Image source: pineapplesmoothie17
Grief is a bumpy road that sometimes can cause slowdowns and the next moment feel smooth
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
Licensed professional counselor Melissa Porrey at Very Well Health encourages people to think of grief as a bumpy road that sometimes can cause slowdowns and the next moment feel smooth. This means that it’s not something parents will ever get over, but some days can feel better than others.
Rather than distinguishing the five typical stages of loss (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), she halfs it into two and refers to its first part as acute grief. This is an immediate person’s reaction following a loss. During it, it’s common to feel shock and disbelief and find it hard to process the death. Memories of the late person may replay in their minds and can feel all-consuming.
It’s also common to keep such experience inside and avoid other people and normal activities for a while. Although grief makes people go through overwhelming and painful feelings, it eventually becomes less intense. Over time, it becomes integrated and muted into the background of individuals’ lives.
For some people, it doesn’t end with this and continues for a long time without becoming a normal part of their routine. This is called complicated grief and causes a person to get stuck worrying about the death. They also typically avoid talking about their grief after several months have passed. Complicated bereavement is the most common in parents who lost a child, making it hard for them to move on in a healthy way.
In any stage of grief, it’s important to find support
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
In any stage of grief, it’s important to find support, even though the person would gladly choose isolation instead. Reaching out to mental health specialists can help with processing the loss and find a way to heal from the pain.
If parents have other kids, it’s also important for them to remember that their child also needs more time and attention than ever before. They will need a support system that aids them to recognize their feelings and express them. Parents should start living with the fact that their lives will be different, but find ways to remember the late person in their routines.
Holidays and special occasions can be extremely difficult, as it can be strange not having the person around to celebrate with. However, grief coach Charlene Lam says that if the grieving family isn’t ready to show up and celebrate, it’s up to them what they decide to do.
“If you’ve always hated the holidays and you think, “You know what? This is just a miserable time of year and I just want to hide.” That’s your choice as well,” she says. Wanting to spend the day alone is completely valid. Just make sure to communicate this to others.
Those who wish to reconnect with holidays or remember their loved ones in other ways can try spending the day with family writing letters or birthday cards to the deceased loved one. Looking through photo albums and making a treat that they might have loved can also be a bonding and wholesome way to remember them.
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